Beloved friends, voyeurs, jealous associates, and anyone else who has stumbled in on this ceremony thinking they were

just going to quaff a few brews, we are here today, to witness the binding of these two people, (names of two to be

wedded) in the holy institution of marriage.

First off, do you, (name couple), swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you

"(name)?" Say YES now, or else this whole thing is rather pointless.

(PERSON ANSWERS: YES)

Okay. Put your hands on each other. This is a bond of Subholy wedlock, so no matter what physical positions these two

may take for the rest of their lives, their moral standing shall remain upright. If there are any jealous losers here who

feel that these two should not be joined...just shut your trap, because we don't want to fucking hear about it. Allright.

(name couple), put your hands on each other and hold tight. Before we proceed, has the preacher been paid or given

free beer?

Do you, (name), take this (name), to be your lawful wedded spouse, in SubGenius and legal matrimony, to have and to

hold, in fact to do just about anything mutually agreed to, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in kinkiness, through

any hardship or any disaster that may befall you two, for whatever sick and twisted but no less blessed reasons until

death do you part? SAY I DO!

(PERSON ANSWERS: I DO)

Do you, (name), take (name), to be your lawful wedded spousse, in SubGenius and legal matrimony, to have and to hold,

in fact to do just about anything mutually agreed to, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in kinkiness, through any

hardship or any disaster that may befall you two, for whatever sick and twisted but no less blessed reasons until death

do you part? SAY I DO!

(PERSON ANSWERS: I DO)

Good! Now, shake on it, and say, "It's a deal!"

(THE TWO SHAKE)

Now, get out the ring. We take this ring as a symbol of the Holy Estate of Marriage, and of the Shackles, the Veritable

Handcuffs of Wedlock, as well as the Pole going deep in the Hole repeatedly. Now, install the ring. By the Authority

invested in me by (name of officiate), The SubGenius Foundation, hell, even JEHOVA-1, the space god, and in the eyes

of the State, and by the laws of Nature, I pronounce you two to be united until the end of your lives.

YOU MUST NOW KISS EACH OTHER.

(THE COUPLE KISS)

You are now duly Authorized and Excused for any sexual couplings of any peverse, unspeakable kind starting RIGHT

NOW.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It is done, so be it. AMEN, AWOMAN, and HALLELUJAH!